reedy's rambles

I translated for a gunshot victim yesterday in the hospital. It was the second time I have translated for a victim of a crime. Sometimes, I feel so inadequate when I translate. I sometimes have to talk "around" words. I couldn't think of the word for bullet, so I asked, "How do you say the word for what comes out of a gun and what is stuck in your shoulder?" He provided the word and we went on, the cop had no idea how ridiculous I am, but I still felt inadequate.

I have a sensitivity for Spanish after my years in Puerto Rico. One teacher asked me to ask some of her Hispanic girls to stop speaking "jibberish" in her classroom. I was so angry, but as it turned out, a coke deal went down in her classroom. So, she felt justified in asking students to stop speaking "jibberish." And I felt a sense of defeat.

My friend Kris preached at church last night. I wish he preached every Sunday, but our church does this trade-off thing that at times drives me nuts. Kris preached from the divorce and oath section of Matthew 5. How often do I, like the Pharisees, try to find "loopholes" with God? How scared am I of truly letting my yes be yes and my no, no? Could I bring my whole life out into the light? Really, could I? I thought about this last night. A lot. I thought about it again today. What am I not letting the Light hit? What do I hold onto because I justify it as fitting through a loophole? Oh, a lot. More that I even want to admit. It kept me up last night as I thought more about it. I prayed for forgiveness and wanted so much to start over today and live completely in the Light, but again, I let darkness creep in. It was in my thoughts, my words and my actions. I so want the darkness gone. Out. Completely out. Darkness has nothing on light, but I still let it in. I realized that darkness is only good for hiding and sleep. Why else do we think we need darkness? I do not want to be asleep or be in darkness.

It is one of the simplest analogies. Light = good. Darkness = evil. Yet it has so much impact on our lives. God put it into simple terms, so we would get it. Every so often I need to get it again because I forget. I need reminders that my life is not mine or for me. I need reminders that I am called by His name. I forget so quickly.

I like capers, but I hate olives.

I do not like olives in martinis. Come to think about it, I don't like martinis. At least not gin martinis. I hate gin. I think gin tastes like pine-sol. Which I suppose is pretty accurate considering juniper is a pine tree, right? And gin is flavored from juniper berries, right?

I also do not like olives in my bloody marys. My father thinks that is ridiculous. "You have to have olives in your bloody mary." You do not. You ask them not to put in olives, and they don't. And I am happy. I do like extra horseradish and lime.

Here's the thing, I want to like olives. I really do. They look tasty on a pepperoni pizza, alluring in 7-layer dip and decadent on an antipasto plate. I keep trying olives, but I hate their metallic taste in my mouth. They squeak between my teeth when I eat them, and my whole head feels like it has turned into a giant fingernail being dragged down a chalkboard.

Now capers are a different story. I love those little buds. I wonder how they would taste in a bloody mary . . . I saw cocktail capers. Hmmm . . . .

I do not have children, but I do completely understand how a mother can love two children differently but equally.

My first cup of coffee in the morning is the typical first-born; eager to please and strong-willed. I love it because it accepts me with morning breath. It understands my impatience and forgives me for not sipping. Sometimes it burns my tongue, but I forgive it because it starts me off right.

My second cup of coffee is usually in a to-go cup. It hardly ever gets to stay in a pretty ceramic cup, but it doesn't mind. It goes with the flow. It is easy going and kind. I spend time with this cup of coffee on the way to school. It understands that it has a purpose of its own. It usually is sweeter than the first cup.

There is no third cup. I am not ready for a third. Please don't pressure me.

A friend from work said to me yesterday, "I can't imagine anyone not liking you."

For some reason it made me sad, not that I am so likable :), but because I wondered, "You know the entertaining Jenn, which is not necessarily the complete picture. -- Just wait until we play a board game. If you can still think I am likable after that . . . "

She also said it because we were talking about people from work that I am pretty sure do not like me. I am slightly unconventional. When it comes to following rules or doing what I think is best for kids, I will err on the side of kids always. I probably though should be careful until they stamp my personnel file with "TENURED." I work with "at risk" kids, and sometimes compromises need to be made. I follow simple common sense rules in my classroom. I teach kids to ask themselves questions before they do things and make decisions for themselves.

I do not believe in silly rules. If a student is hungry, why can't they eat a snack? If a student is thirsty, why can't they get a drink? If a student is having a bad, confidence-paralyzing hair day, what harm comes if they wear a hat?

I do understand the need for order. We discuss this. We agreed that sometimes we have to wait to get a drink of water because it wouldn't be respectful to walk out when another person is talking. We agreed that eating when we are on computers isn't a good idea because no one likes crumbs near their workspace. We make agreements. They work. For us.

Some teachers believe in content over relationships. I love teaching, but it is the kids not the curriculum I love most. Somedays I do miss teaching kids who pour over books and get it the first time, but for now I think I am in the right place.

Tomorrow I have a meeting. It is one of those BIG meetings. Do I want to continue with at-risk kids, or move back into the regular classroom? Do I want to commit to this and create a meaningful intervention program, or is there a chance I will burn out?

On a side note, the lady on the Today Show speaking about inns in Puerto Rico just got her information wrong about Vieques.

One other side note, that Pedigree commercial makes me cry everytime.

Sometimes I think blogs have given us insight into people's everyday thoughts and feelings that maybe we shouldn't have access to. I know that sounds horribly judgmental, but sometimes I read people's blogs, and I actually get frustated with the mindset of certain people.

I am in a cranky place. I hope this is just a layover. And I am having trouble remembering things. I know that sounds strange, but I will look at a student, and for about 30 seconds, I could not tell you his name. I am on several committees at work, and when I sit down to send an email, I can't remember why I needed to send an email in the first place. 3 days later, I realize I forgot to remind everyone about a meeting. I paid my 15th bills on the 30th. I haven't seen my closest friends for over 2 weeks. I am watching Full House. Who knows what this all adds up to!