reedy's rambles

Today I shopped . . . for me!
2 pairs of boots -- $37
A winter coat for Joe-- $30
Oranges with cloves-- $9
A bowl in which to display said produce-- $7
A table runner that looks perfect-- $20
A striped button down shirt -- $30
A corduroy skirt -- $30
Various Old Navy clearance items-- $26

I am slightly impressed with myself! I also spent the morning with Grandma and my sisters. We did the shopping and lunch thing. My sister, Theresa, and I took her dog on a walk throughout Forest Park. And then I had dinner with my family (minus Liza who was at Old Navy working, but we visited her). I feel worn out, but filled.

And then I think that SoeYun is only 3 hours away, and I feel so very sad. I have contemplated all day jumping in the car. And then I know I shouldn't. Because she's the one who taught me to put my family first. For so many years, I think I put everyone and everything above my family.

Last week, my 89 year old Grandma was in the hospital with pneumonia and dehydration, and I realized this is why I moved home. Today as we were walking her into her house, she kissed us all, told us how proud she was, and told us that today had been a great day. And I have to agree. I love her so much.

On another note, I called Joe and he has been in a 3-wheeler accident. I know he's ok, but he sure was moaning and groaning. His sister was just laughing as she told me how he had a devil look in his eye and had his head thrown back just cackling . . . right before they hit a pine tree! Poor baby!

I think I may rent Shadowlands tonight and keep some Fat Tires company. I think there's still some pecan pie too . . .

I realized I started this blog a year ago and decided to look back. About a year ago, when I realized I only had 6 months left in Puerto Rico, I wrote this letter:

Dear Puerto Rico,
I will not miss your potholes that are large enough for a full-size car. I will not miss the loneliness I will leave here with you. I will not miss your inability to change colors for the seasons. I will not miss your 100% humidity or frying heat. I will not miss your preoccupation with style, trends, and vanity.
Love Always, Jenn

And, how do I feel today?

I still do not miss the potholes, although Missouri roads have their fair share of problems, but thanks to Missourians we are going to fix those roads by taking money from schools.

I don't feel that "I'monanislandwithoutmyclosefriendsandfamilyallthetime" loneliness, but now I miss people I took for granted in Puerto Rico. People, I didn't even think about missing then.

I do love the changes in colors, but I just realized that after the oranges and reds comes gray. I never missed gray. Soon, I'll miss green.

It's cold today, I miss the warmth. Although, Alberto made me feel so much better letting me know it had been rainy for weeks.

I do miss the level Puerto Ricans presented themselves at. I miss getting dressed up and being around equally put together people. I realize I wore a pair of khakis today that I never took with me to Puerto Rico because they were so blah. I never thought I'd wear them again. And I didn't care until right now.

Tomorrow, I get to spend Thanksgiving with my family, for the first time in three years. And the funny thing is, I miss Joe's put together Thanksgiving, but he'll be with his family . . . where he belongs.

I got to see Lyndsay this weekend, along with Jon and that adorable Xander! He is about as edible as babies come. They just seem like the perfectest family ever! All weekend I wondered why I had waited so long to see Lyndsay. I remembered during the drive home on Sunday. I hate saying goodbye, knowing it could be months until I make it back there again. Lyndsay is one of those people whose very presence is encouraging. I feel truly blessed to have her as a friend.

I've been doing really well, in my opinion, readjusting as of late. I fell content in most aspects of my life. I almost feel "caught up" with my head and heart. And then there was this week.

The ache caught up with me again. Sometimes, I miss Puerto Rico so much still. I mean so much. I remember looking at Barb during a Week of E trip and knowing that Puerto Rico still owned part of her heart. I understand now. I can't have that part back. But I am stronger now. I don't feel ready to fall apart. I just feel "homesick." I dived into Puerto Rico; my hair is still wet and my eyes still sting from the salt water.

People have asked me what I miss the most . . .
the sky, they don't make it that blue here.
the church and its songs of praise
the children and their easy affection
the feeling of belonging to something so special.

I can't stop crying at Extreme Makeover-- Home Edition. This family on tonight is amazing. They are two deaf parents, with 2 hearing sons, except one of their sons is blind and autistic. Tears again.

I have a car! It is a 2000 Intrigue. It is silver, and puhrrrty!

Grandma and I have made amends. I feel like I can sleep easier and not be afraid when my phone rings, although I am still afraid of the mail.

Speaking of fears, I have a fear of milk. Lacto-phobia. I think I might be the most ridiculous person I ever met. Seriously, after three days, I am convinced the milk is sour, rancid, and spoiled. It's not, and I know that. The expiration date is days away, it smells fine, and there is nothing wrong with it. But what do I do? I pour it down the drain, upset that I didn't use the milk "fast enough."

Also, I have made some realizations; I do not need to be the kind of person . . .
. . . whose car is always clean.
. . . who thinks most issues are black and white.
. . . who enjoys Seinfeld.
. . . who gets everything done on time.
. . . who is thrifty.
. . . who likes gin.
. . . who understands Jessica Simpson's Angel song.

I've just met people lately that fit one or more of these categories this past week, and each time I thought to myself, "Wait, am I supposed to be like them?" And I realize I don't have to be.

I've been going to temple with Joe on Friday nights, enough that a Rabbi knows my name. I love going. Is that bad? Does that make me a bad Christian? I am still going to church. I still love Jesus. But I also love going to temple. I love singing the mysterious Hebrew songs, I love the awe each time they bring the Torah out, and I love the snacks afterwards. :)

Oh gosh, I am crying again. The family just loves their vacation and everyone on the show is crying too!