reedy's rambles

I received another bill.

Letting me know that she was not happy with me. And why not? Because I called her (I forgot to tell you that) last week to let her know that I was absolutely not going to pay the extra $850 for her commission. We NEVER agreed to that. She is my grandmother, and she wants a commission for finding me an apartment.

Her letter let me know that this "gift" was too large. She also let me know that it was unfair to my sisters and cousins. She hoped it would all even out before she died (Note: my mom was removed from her will because she refused to pay for some screws and nails once). She also let me know that she would have to limit any future gifts for holidays, etc.

I called my mom. She told me to talk to my cousin, who has faced a similar situation that has brought her to tears lately. I called her, and we talked for over an hour. I think we both felt better about ourselves, our families, and the world after the conversation was over.

My grandmother drops manipulative comments into every day conversation. We both know our grandmother doesn't approve of our fathers, she predicted their failure and the demise of her daughters' marriage. Which is ironic, because she was married and divorced twice. Our mothers? Still married to our hard working, loyal, loving fathers.

I love my grandmother. I do, but right now my heart hurts. Kristin, my cousin, let me know she feels like she lost her grandmother. We are both trying to reconcile our hearts with assurance that Grandma might actually have something mentally wrong or a gambling addiction.

I am scared what will happen when she receives my letter, not because I think it was wrong. I just hope that this can be reconciled, soon.

I was sent a bill last week. No big deal, I receive lots of bills.

Here's the difference. It was from my grandmother. Remember a previous post where I specifically asked the Blogger god to ask my grandmother to stop buying me things? I know it is there somewhere. She didn't. She bought me used pots, pans, tables, china, china cabinets, wicker furniture, amongst other things. I told her she didn't have to do any of that. She responded that she loved helping me out. Then I receive a bill. A bill. From my grandmother. For things I DIDN'T WANT.

Also on the bill, was a charge for borrowing her car, a commission charge for her help finding me an apartment, and a bill for Joe for the stuff she bought him.

Supposedly, I am her favorite.

I wrote her back, and I am mailing the letter today. I sat on the letter a week, making sure I really wanted to send the letter. I do.

I'll keep you updated.

Good times back in the Lou. Good times. Really makes me glad I moved back.

I listen to a praise song every morning, I Need Words.

"I need words. As wide as sky. And I need a language large as this longing inside, and I need a voice bigger than mine, and I need a song to sing you that I've got to find. I need you. Oh, I need you. Oh, I need you. I need you . . . to be here now . . . to be here now. . . to hear me now . . . to hear me now."

I need words. I need words to tell God how much I love Him, how desperate for His touch I am.

I need words. I need words to tell my friends so many, many things. I need to tell them to be patient, to hold on, to keep loving me. I need to tell them that there is so much going on in my head that I can't begin to sort it all out.

I could really use SoeYun. Face to face. With her, words flow from my brain into a jumble, she sorts out, rearranges, and puts it back together in an order that makes sense. I miss her.

I sit dumbfounded when I have a couple of minutes when I don't have anything immediately pressing down on me, and my brain is organized enough to have a rational thought.

Now, is one of those moments. I am worried it will pass before I can jot down my thoughts.

There have been huge events in my life this past month. Brandi, Lyndsay, and Chris all had their babies. Each one already looks like she/he/he has her/his/his own personality. Brandi's sweet baby girl is a quiet charmer, Lyndsay's baby boy already looks like he understands the world better than I do, and Chris's Jackson is a mover and a shaker (who happens to remind me of the turtle in the old Tootsie Pop commercials!).

My brother and nephew were in town for a Cardinal's game Saturday and spent the night at my parents' house. Liza and I got to take Thomas to the park. All he saw was the purple tunnel slide. My nephew is fearless. He told Grandma all about the purple slide and how fast he went. He is the cutest two-year-old on the face of this earth. I could just swallow him whole!

School is going well. It is a ton of work and daily taxes my patience to levels I never even thought existed, but it is a good fit.
I've been going with Joe to temple on Friday nights. It is such a calm reflective way to end the week. Joe informed me that my house is supposed to be clean before the Sabbath, whoops! There is this one part of the service I love that calls us to laugh until we are all laughter, sing until we are all song, dance until we are all dance, and love until we are all love. It moves me to tears. I have been reflective lately on Judaism and Christianity. I know Jesus. I love Jesus. I know he is real, true, living, and one day will return. I believe that with all my heart. However, Judaism captures something that Sunday morning church does not; a reverence for God, a declaration of His Holiness, His love for people, and a sense of belonging to someone Great.