reedy's rambles

I am seriously cranky. I am a 3 year old whom you normally adore that you just want to send away . . . to elsewhere.

It is not as if things haven't happened quickly. I have an apartment lined up. My grandma is letting me borrow her car for a couple of months. I have started planning next year in my classroom already. Everything is going according to plan and schedule.

However, I am edgy, irritable, and downright . . . not a happy person to be around right now. I can't stand to be touched, talked to, or told what I should do.

Usually, I can take a deep breath and reassess. It aint working right now.

I can however, describe how I feel to you. You know how you feel after an afternoon nap went a bit too long? You feel cloudy, disconnected, groggy, and just not awake? Now, imagine feeling in this state and having to make decisions, be directed, and be nice all at the same time. That, in a nutshell, is how I feel right at this moment.

I need to go shopping, and I don't want to. My eyebrows are in an unkempt state, my nail polish is chipped, and my hair has been worn up more times than I care to recount.

I am exhausted.
___________________________________________

Dear Jenn,
I know you pretty well (hey, fun note-- using pretty as an adverb or adjective I found out is a local thing). When you feel like this, stop pretending that this is a first, you usually need to start pretending you are happy and together. So, start by making an appointment for your eyebrows and hair. Since we're trying to save money, this time take care of your own nails, today. Tonight, go to Target and look at shower curtains. Yes, Target. I know you wanted to go to Pottery Barn, but for right now Target will work. Trust me, you'll feel better after you have that little part done. Not too mention, the extra $20 you'll have in your pocket.

After that is accomplished, do something for someone else. I mean it. You are being entirely to inward focused. That's the part of you right now that we're hating. Call a friend and refuse to talk about yourself. Remember Mike's sermon? We need to seriously work on our listening skills! Give your mom a hug. Call your 89 year old Grandma just to tell her you were thinking about her and that you love her. Call your brother and finalize those plans to watch your niece and nephew for a weekend. I promise you'll feel better. Have I ever let you down before?
Love,
Your inner you

Wow! Getting those pictures on the blog took way more time than I expected! Of course, that could be because at first I accidently copied one picture 12 times on the blog-- with varying captions. I think I have got it now though!

Sosa and the kids 

My parents and I in Puerto Rico 

A street in Old San Juan 

My favorite Cafe 

Shadow on the grass of the fort 

At the Fort 

Church Friends 

Joe and I at this Birthday party 

Piragua Stand 

Outside of the Pigeon Park 

Fruit Stand in Puerto Rico 

Unsettled. That is so how I feel. I just keep thinking, "When I . . . I will finally feel at ease." Then I get overwhelmed thinking of all the blanks.

- get a car.
- find an apartment.
- after the first day (week, year) of school.

And trust me, there are a zillion more. I know well-meaning friends will quote Paul to me, claiming I need to be content in all circumstances, but I'll save you the time. I know Paul, we go way back. And we are on speaking terms right now. I just feel pressure.

But here's the thing, I don't feel pressure from friends. They are all great. They call, making sure I know I am invited, loved, and wanted, but they seem to understand I need my space right now.

I don't feel pressure from work. I am excited and ready.

I don't feel pressure from my parents. Although I am not thrilled at living here now, they are great.

I feel pressure from me. I have this perfectionist, over-achiever need for everything to be perfect . . . now. Car shopping and apartment shopping stress me out. I just keep thinking, "Is this the best there is for me?" Is this what I really want?" And then I remember, "Cars can be traded and you can always move."

So what is really my problem?

I know I miss Puerto Rico more than I thought I would. I miss the ocean so much. Just looking at the horizon would calm and center me. I miss the streets of Old San Juan, walking the streets and being thankful that for a moment in time, I was more than a visitor, but part of their story. I miss the people, the way friends laughed so easily. How we could even laugh at our common problems of work, money, and the men that never seemed to fully meet our expectations. I am in a grieving process. Was it Brandi or some other wise friend this week that told me, "It won't hurt any less, it just will start to hurt less often."

I also know I am in a heart-wrenching process of decision makings. I need to surround myself with people and situations that help me grow as a person, who challenge me not to sit in a box, and who are positive and happy. That is what I know I need. I also know I need a sense of belonging and ownership.

On a superficial note, I also need to go shopping. I think a new outfit will be the perfect pick-me-up!

I'm "home." For whatever that means or is worth. I do not think I will be "home" until I have my own place with my paintings on the wall, my routines, and my own space. I have not had a spare moment to breathe though.

I came into town and immediately have signed a contract, picked up curriculum for next year, saw my classroom (which seems so spacious and modern!!), and met a million people who I will be racking my brain for their names for months. The band teacher told me not to worry that he would re-introduce himself everytime I see him until Christmas. The counselor told me shoes were optional, which the principal later corrected after she was out of earshot.

I am excited. Right now, I need to focus on Summer School which starts on Monday! I am soooooo not ready for that.

Oh, and I get $200 for starting my classroom. AND I get tape. And staples. And folders. I am a bit overwhelmed right now, but I will be alright I know!

Breathe Jenn and hold on tight.