Wednesday, June 16, 2004
Unsettled. That is so how I feel. I just keep thinking, "When I . . . I will finally feel at ease." Then I get overwhelmed thinking of all the blanks.
- get a car.
- find an apartment.
- after the first day (week, year) of school.
And trust me, there are a zillion more. I know well-meaning friends will quote Paul to me, claiming I need to be content in all circumstances, but I'll save you the time. I know Paul, we go way back. And we are on speaking terms right now. I just feel pressure.
But here's the thing, I don't feel pressure from friends. They are all great. They call, making sure I know I am invited, loved, and wanted, but they seem to understand I need my space right now.
I don't feel pressure from work. I am excited and ready.
I don't feel pressure from my parents. Although I am not thrilled at living here now, they are great.
I feel pressure from me. I have this perfectionist, over-achiever need for everything to be perfect . . . now. Car shopping and apartment shopping stress me out. I just keep thinking, "Is this the best there is for me?" Is this what I really want?" And then I remember, "Cars can be traded and you can always move."
So what is really my problem?
I know I miss Puerto Rico more than I thought I would. I miss the ocean so much. Just looking at the horizon would calm and center me. I miss the streets of Old San Juan, walking the streets and being thankful that for a moment in time, I was more than a visitor, but part of their story. I miss the people, the way friends laughed so easily. How we could even laugh at our common problems of work, money, and the men that never seemed to fully meet our expectations. I am in a grieving process. Was it Brandi or some other wise friend this week that told me, "It won't hurt any less, it just will start to hurt less often."
I also know I am in a heart-wrenching process of decision makings. I need to surround myself with people and situations that help me grow as a person, who challenge me not to sit in a box, and who are positive and happy. That is what I know I need. I also know I need a sense of belonging and ownership.
On a superficial note, I also need to go shopping. I think a new outfit will be the perfect pick-me-up!
- get a car.
- find an apartment.
- after the first day (week, year) of school.
And trust me, there are a zillion more. I know well-meaning friends will quote Paul to me, claiming I need to be content in all circumstances, but I'll save you the time. I know Paul, we go way back. And we are on speaking terms right now. I just feel pressure.
But here's the thing, I don't feel pressure from friends. They are all great. They call, making sure I know I am invited, loved, and wanted, but they seem to understand I need my space right now.
I don't feel pressure from work. I am excited and ready.
I don't feel pressure from my parents. Although I am not thrilled at living here now, they are great.
I feel pressure from me. I have this perfectionist, over-achiever need for everything to be perfect . . . now. Car shopping and apartment shopping stress me out. I just keep thinking, "Is this the best there is for me?" Is this what I really want?" And then I remember, "Cars can be traded and you can always move."
So what is really my problem?
I know I miss Puerto Rico more than I thought I would. I miss the ocean so much. Just looking at the horizon would calm and center me. I miss the streets of Old San Juan, walking the streets and being thankful that for a moment in time, I was more than a visitor, but part of their story. I miss the people, the way friends laughed so easily. How we could even laugh at our common problems of work, money, and the men that never seemed to fully meet our expectations. I am in a grieving process. Was it Brandi or some other wise friend this week that told me, "It won't hurt any less, it just will start to hurt less often."
I also know I am in a heart-wrenching process of decision makings. I need to surround myself with people and situations that help me grow as a person, who challenge me not to sit in a box, and who are positive and happy. That is what I know I need. I also know I need a sense of belonging and ownership.
On a superficial note, I also need to go shopping. I think a new outfit will be the perfect pick-me-up!
Comments:
Post a Comment
