Thursday, August 25, 2005
I started school again. I forgot how bored I get during classes! I have two classes on Wednesday nights, one from 4:30-7:00 and one from 7:00-9:30. It is a bit much after a day filled with 6th graders, but it has to be done.
I wish Lyndsay was sitting next to me with her bag-o-fun. At LCC, Lyndsay always brought something for me for class time. Somedays it was a mini Etch-A-Sketch, a sparkly pen, or candy. She would always pay attention, and do her best to not be distracted by me. If all else failed, she would make me promises. "Jenn, after class we can have a baby carrot date." Somedays it was the park, hot chocolate, or on really bad days First Wok. I never really had a guilt complex about skipping classes, but Lyndsay did her best to "inspire" me to attend all the time.
She gave up Junior year because SoeYun entered the picture. The park and Mud Road always were more interesting than classes or guest lecturers or basically anything else. I may not have always been a "class goer," but I was always an "assignment doer." I have a variety of pictures from SoeYun that demonstrate her patience as I wrote papers. Most of them are pictures of SoeYun with bulging or spiral eyes bored with my typing.
Although, to give SoeYun credit, I was not always easy. One particularly restless night, I couldn't sleep, so I decided to wake up SoeYun. She never locked her door, so that was easy. All I said was that I couldn't sleep, and after she overcame that"Iambeingwokenupinthemiddleofthenightwhodied?" panic, she joined me in the hallway for cards until I could fall asleep.
I was always afraid that Lyndsay and SoeYun wouldn't get along. Only because Lyndsay often accompanied me on the "I have to wake up SoeYun for J.K.'s class because he told me I had to" mornings, and I think SoeYun felt she could ignore me, but ignore Lyndsay Bell? It is slightly more difficult.
So, I am going back to school. Even after the first day, there are so many stories about co-students, but that is for another day because I need to email Lyndsay back and call SoeYun.
I wish Lyndsay was sitting next to me with her bag-o-fun. At LCC, Lyndsay always brought something for me for class time. Somedays it was a mini Etch-A-Sketch, a sparkly pen, or candy. She would always pay attention, and do her best to not be distracted by me. If all else failed, she would make me promises. "Jenn, after class we can have a baby carrot date." Somedays it was the park, hot chocolate, or on really bad days First Wok. I never really had a guilt complex about skipping classes, but Lyndsay did her best to "inspire" me to attend all the time.
She gave up Junior year because SoeYun entered the picture. The park and Mud Road always were more interesting than classes or guest lecturers or basically anything else. I may not have always been a "class goer," but I was always an "assignment doer." I have a variety of pictures from SoeYun that demonstrate her patience as I wrote papers. Most of them are pictures of SoeYun with bulging or spiral eyes bored with my typing.
Although, to give SoeYun credit, I was not always easy. One particularly restless night, I couldn't sleep, so I decided to wake up SoeYun. She never locked her door, so that was easy. All I said was that I couldn't sleep, and after she overcame that"Iambeingwokenupinthemiddleofthenightwhodied?" panic, she joined me in the hallway for cards until I could fall asleep.
I was always afraid that Lyndsay and SoeYun wouldn't get along. Only because Lyndsay often accompanied me on the "I have to wake up SoeYun for J.K.'s class because he told me I had to" mornings, and I think SoeYun felt she could ignore me, but ignore Lyndsay Bell? It is slightly more difficult.
So, I am going back to school. Even after the first day, there are so many stories about co-students, but that is for another day because I need to email Lyndsay back and call SoeYun.
Sunday, August 21, 2005
Sometimes I think that if people knew what ran through my head, I would be committed to a psych-ward. I imagine situations and people all the time. It goes beyond sitting on a park bench and assigning stories to people's lives.
I wish I could see myself through Brandi's eyes sometimes. I know she knows my faults, but over the course of 19 years, she has never failed to love me despite or in spite of everything. She told me once that I have an ability to love the unlovely, but I am not sure I do. I think it really is the desire to be unique sometimes. The desire to pick up what someone else may have discarded and give it value, or at least importance to me.
I am rarely ever bored. I can only remember one time (besides being in classes). It was an ordinary evening with SoeYun. We were just bored, intensely bored. It can not be explained.
I have way too much debt. I am not a saver, but a money manipulator. It is one of those keep you awake at night situations.
Sometimes I get seriously angry at people whose faith comes easy for them. It does not come easy to me, it never has. I doubt God more than I should. However, there is a voice in my head that has to see this course of life play out. I don't think that can qualify as faith.
I often wish that I had more friends around me. The type of friends that I am proud to call friends. That makes me feel superficial. I have plenty of people around me here that love and accept me, but not many friends that I can share with- to use a Puerto Rican term. I do not often have picture-posting-fun with friends here.
I beg God to not let anything happen to my sisters until they are well in their 90s. I think I can handle anything, but that. I mean I seriously beg.
Sometimes I think that God has a Tragedy To Do List. I know this doesn't make sense.
I used to laugh more.
I am not depressed anymore, and NOW I can tell the difference.
I feel most comfortable in my apartment or at work.
Joe tells me I am not going to get married anytime soon because they have to meet my standards-- that my father set.
It infuriates me that Joe is right about that.
I do not think I need to get married.
I have an almost obsessive-compulsive desire to keep things new. He noticed. After I got my carpets clean, he told me it was unrealistic to expect everything to be new all the time. He noticed. When shampoo bottles get half-way, I have to buy new ones. I just like it new; all the time. I hate that he noticed that.
I hate cauliflower. I hate water chestnuts. When people tell me that they have no taste, I think that explains my hatred. But I like tofu.
I think olives taste like rust.
I think spinach tastes like dirt, but I like that taste.
I hate teaching reading skills. I never learned to love books through skills, but I can't teach absorption.
I am supposed to be at my parents' house in 7 minutes, but I smell like chlorine from the pool.
I wish I could see myself through Brandi's eyes sometimes. I know she knows my faults, but over the course of 19 years, she has never failed to love me despite or in spite of everything. She told me once that I have an ability to love the unlovely, but I am not sure I do. I think it really is the desire to be unique sometimes. The desire to pick up what someone else may have discarded and give it value, or at least importance to me.
I am rarely ever bored. I can only remember one time (besides being in classes). It was an ordinary evening with SoeYun. We were just bored, intensely bored. It can not be explained.
I have way too much debt. I am not a saver, but a money manipulator. It is one of those keep you awake at night situations.
Sometimes I get seriously angry at people whose faith comes easy for them. It does not come easy to me, it never has. I doubt God more than I should. However, there is a voice in my head that has to see this course of life play out. I don't think that can qualify as faith.
I often wish that I had more friends around me. The type of friends that I am proud to call friends. That makes me feel superficial. I have plenty of people around me here that love and accept me, but not many friends that I can share with- to use a Puerto Rican term. I do not often have picture-posting-fun with friends here.
I beg God to not let anything happen to my sisters until they are well in their 90s. I think I can handle anything, but that. I mean I seriously beg.
Sometimes I think that God has a Tragedy To Do List. I know this doesn't make sense.
I used to laugh more.
I am not depressed anymore, and NOW I can tell the difference.
I feel most comfortable in my apartment or at work.
Joe tells me I am not going to get married anytime soon because they have to meet my standards-- that my father set.
It infuriates me that Joe is right about that.
I do not think I need to get married.
I have an almost obsessive-compulsive desire to keep things new. He noticed. After I got my carpets clean, he told me it was unrealistic to expect everything to be new all the time. He noticed. When shampoo bottles get half-way, I have to buy new ones. I just like it new; all the time. I hate that he noticed that.
I hate cauliflower. I hate water chestnuts. When people tell me that they have no taste, I think that explains my hatred. But I like tofu.
I think olives taste like rust.
I think spinach tastes like dirt, but I like that taste.
I hate teaching reading skills. I never learned to love books through skills, but I can't teach absorption.
I am supposed to be at my parents' house in 7 minutes, but I smell like chlorine from the pool.
Sunday, August 07, 2005
I have started this post three times. The words seem to fail me. I went to a funeral on Monday that was heart-wreching; a mom, her brother, her sister, and her two sons. I left for CIY that same day. God spoke, I listened. I go back to work on Tuesday. I am ready. My new couch and entertainment cabinet came. I like them. I am content. I know this year will be good.
