reedy's rambles

Sometimes I think that if people knew what ran through my head, I would be committed to a psych-ward. I imagine situations and people all the time. It goes beyond sitting on a park bench and assigning stories to people's lives.

I wish I could see myself through Brandi's eyes sometimes. I know she knows my faults, but over the course of 19 years, she has never failed to love me despite or in spite of everything. She told me once that I have an ability to love the unlovely, but I am not sure I do. I think it really is the desire to be unique sometimes. The desire to pick up what someone else may have discarded and give it value, or at least importance to me.

I am rarely ever bored. I can only remember one time (besides being in classes). It was an ordinary evening with SoeYun. We were just bored, intensely bored. It can not be explained.

I have way too much debt. I am not a saver, but a money manipulator. It is one of those keep you awake at night situations.

Sometimes I get seriously angry at people whose faith comes easy for them. It does not come easy to me, it never has. I doubt God more than I should. However, there is a voice in my head that has to see this course of life play out. I don't think that can qualify as faith.

I often wish that I had more friends around me. The type of friends that I am proud to call friends. That makes me feel superficial. I have plenty of people around me here that love and accept me, but not many friends that I can share with- to use a Puerto Rican term. I do not often have picture-posting-fun with friends here.

I beg God to not let anything happen to my sisters until they are well in their 90s. I think I can handle anything, but that. I mean I seriously beg.

Sometimes I think that God has a Tragedy To Do List. I know this doesn't make sense.

I used to laugh more.

I am not depressed anymore, and NOW I can tell the difference.

I feel most comfortable in my apartment or at work.

Joe tells me I am not going to get married anytime soon because they have to meet my standards-- that my father set.

It infuriates me that Joe is right about that.

I do not think I need to get married.

I have an almost obsessive-compulsive desire to keep things new. He noticed. After I got my carpets clean, he told me it was unrealistic to expect everything to be new all the time. He noticed. When shampoo bottles get half-way, I have to buy new ones. I just like it new; all the time. I hate that he noticed that.

I hate cauliflower. I hate water chestnuts. When people tell me that they have no taste, I think that explains my hatred. But I like tofu.

I think olives taste like rust.

I think spinach tastes like dirt, but I like that taste.

I hate teaching reading skills. I never learned to love books through skills, but I can't teach absorption.

I am supposed to be at my parents' house in 7 minutes, but I smell like chlorine from the pool.