Saturday, December 10, 2005
I haven't met a Saturday I didn't like.
Whether it is cleaning, traveling, shopping, an early breakfast, a trip to Grandma's, a lazy morning spent watching TBS movies doesn't matter. I love them all. No matter the shape, size, or color; I love Saturdays. If today had a color, it would be Mint Green. I don't know why, I didn't choose the color, it just is Mint Green, with a few sparkles around the edges.
I am waiting for Resolve to dry on the carpet, clothes to finish the spin cycle, and watching the puffs of steam emit from my vaporizer as they travel to the fan. It is a good Saturday. When I finish cleaning, I am going to Walgreens to develop the pics on my sister's camera for Chrismtas. I know that sounds like a strange Christmas gift, but she's got hundreds of pictures on memory cards that she wants out. She's into scrapbooking.
I am not the scrapbooking type. An art prof. from ISU told us that crafty people know how they expect a project to look at the end, an artsy person never knows until it is finished. I remember hanging on her every word. Her clothes never exactly matched, her hair was often stained with paint, and one time she wrote on my project, "dazzling display of brilliance." I cut that out and saved it. In Puerto Rico's humidity it shriveled, but I didn't need to keep it. The project? Word Art. I wrote words all over a piece of paper in different shapes and colors, as the words dictated me. It was for our final which commanded us to show art in ourselves. I cut out her words from the back of the paper, and threw the rest away.
I finished my two graduate classes this semester with 100% in both of them. I am taking 9 credit hours next semester. People at work have expressed how crazy that seems, but I want to finish quickly. I like taking classes, and I want to work towards my doctorate. I know I will accomplish this. Because I want it. Badly. I want to teach at a university someday. Dreams.
I haven't been to church in a while. Not because I am angry or bitter, but because I want to belong to a commnity, a real communty where people care for each other, but not one that exists because it wants to be on the outskirts of the Christian Community becaus they want to exercise some nonexistent freedom they think they deserve. I want a church that seeks GOD in his entirety. I want a church where people laugh and cry together. But lately, I realize that I need to first seek GOD inHis enirety.
Lately, I have been tired of fighting the battles in my head. I don't always struggle with sins that could be confessed on an altar. I struggle with doubting that God is right. I struggle believing that God really means what He says. I don't want homosexuality to be wrong, because I know that community because of people that I love. I don't want to believe that God will send them to hell because they love in a different way with different hurts.
I know what the Bible says, but I don't like it. How do you settle issues where your heart and mind seem at an impasse? I have friends who have been blessed with a simple pure childlike faith, but that's not me. I have to fight for every ounce of faith.
I also have a confession. I recently was ashamed to be a Christian. Not ashamed of my Creator, but ashamed that written on my nametage is that word. Typing those words makes me cringe. It happened at work, my Christian coworkers were talking about their beliefs, how black and white, cut and dry things really are. I watched my Jewish coworkers look so . . . I don't even have the words. I don't know if I can be part of a group of people that cause hurt in the name of conviction. Is this what God wants?
For years, I prayed, "God help me to see people as You see them" because I feard how judgmental I was. Now my fear is that God answered my prayer and these things I struggle with are leading me to live a life of prayer for these people, a life of true service because I have the responsibility of insight. And I don't think I am ready for that. That is my greatest fear, to ignore the Holy Spirit's prompting. When God speaks to me, when he really calls for change in my life, it almost always starts as a struggle, and there is a part of me that wants to lay down the sword.
God, I love you. I do. I know You are there through the fibers of my being. My heart knows you are God. My heart cries to reunite with its Creator. Please, just take my hand and guide me. I submit to You, hoping for the day when everything will be perfect, and I will understand Your plan. You created me. You know my thoughts. I am sorry that I am so often not who You intended me to be. I know that I crave Your forgiveness and love. Knit me together again because I feel like I am coming undone. I am Yours. I always will be. But right now, I am scared that all I have to offer you is that promise. Lead me. Mold me.
Whether it is cleaning, traveling, shopping, an early breakfast, a trip to Grandma's, a lazy morning spent watching TBS movies doesn't matter. I love them all. No matter the shape, size, or color; I love Saturdays. If today had a color, it would be Mint Green. I don't know why, I didn't choose the color, it just is Mint Green, with a few sparkles around the edges.
I am waiting for Resolve to dry on the carpet, clothes to finish the spin cycle, and watching the puffs of steam emit from my vaporizer as they travel to the fan. It is a good Saturday. When I finish cleaning, I am going to Walgreens to develop the pics on my sister's camera for Chrismtas. I know that sounds like a strange Christmas gift, but she's got hundreds of pictures on memory cards that she wants out. She's into scrapbooking.
I am not the scrapbooking type. An art prof. from ISU told us that crafty people know how they expect a project to look at the end, an artsy person never knows until it is finished. I remember hanging on her every word. Her clothes never exactly matched, her hair was often stained with paint, and one time she wrote on my project, "dazzling display of brilliance." I cut that out and saved it. In Puerto Rico's humidity it shriveled, but I didn't need to keep it. The project? Word Art. I wrote words all over a piece of paper in different shapes and colors, as the words dictated me. It was for our final which commanded us to show art in ourselves. I cut out her words from the back of the paper, and threw the rest away.
I finished my two graduate classes this semester with 100% in both of them. I am taking 9 credit hours next semester. People at work have expressed how crazy that seems, but I want to finish quickly. I like taking classes, and I want to work towards my doctorate. I know I will accomplish this. Because I want it. Badly. I want to teach at a university someday. Dreams.
I haven't been to church in a while. Not because I am angry or bitter, but because I want to belong to a commnity, a real communty where people care for each other, but not one that exists because it wants to be on the outskirts of the Christian Community becaus they want to exercise some nonexistent freedom they think they deserve. I want a church that seeks GOD in his entirety. I want a church where people laugh and cry together. But lately, I realize that I need to first seek GOD inHis enirety.
Lately, I have been tired of fighting the battles in my head. I don't always struggle with sins that could be confessed on an altar. I struggle with doubting that God is right. I struggle believing that God really means what He says. I don't want homosexuality to be wrong, because I know that community because of people that I love. I don't want to believe that God will send them to hell because they love in a different way with different hurts.
I know what the Bible says, but I don't like it. How do you settle issues where your heart and mind seem at an impasse? I have friends who have been blessed with a simple pure childlike faith, but that's not me. I have to fight for every ounce of faith.
I also have a confession. I recently was ashamed to be a Christian. Not ashamed of my Creator, but ashamed that written on my nametage is that word. Typing those words makes me cringe. It happened at work, my Christian coworkers were talking about their beliefs, how black and white, cut and dry things really are. I watched my Jewish coworkers look so . . . I don't even have the words. I don't know if I can be part of a group of people that cause hurt in the name of conviction. Is this what God wants?
For years, I prayed, "God help me to see people as You see them" because I feard how judgmental I was. Now my fear is that God answered my prayer and these things I struggle with are leading me to live a life of prayer for these people, a life of true service because I have the responsibility of insight. And I don't think I am ready for that. That is my greatest fear, to ignore the Holy Spirit's prompting. When God speaks to me, when he really calls for change in my life, it almost always starts as a struggle, and there is a part of me that wants to lay down the sword.
God, I love you. I do. I know You are there through the fibers of my being. My heart knows you are God. My heart cries to reunite with its Creator. Please, just take my hand and guide me. I submit to You, hoping for the day when everything will be perfect, and I will understand Your plan. You created me. You know my thoughts. I am sorry that I am so often not who You intended me to be. I know that I crave Your forgiveness and love. Knit me together again because I feel like I am coming undone. I am Yours. I always will be. But right now, I am scared that all I have to offer you is that promise. Lead me. Mold me.
Monday, December 05, 2005
It is already 8:00. It should not be 8:00. It should be around 6:30. That's just what I feel.
I don't know if the Rent movie was a good idea. Not because I didn't love it, because I did. But, it is way out in the open now and people, people who have no connections or rights, are critiquing it, dismissing it, and discarding it. That makes me angry. So many things about Rent are real. I know. The fear vs. the hope. That's real. That's just what I feel.
I like my job. This career called teaching works for me. My coworker says that sometimes our relationships with kids can be compared to banking transactions. Sometimes we make deposits, withdrawals, overdrafts, and sometimes we get flashing messages, "insufficient funds." I think about that a lot. Today was a busy day at the bank. When you work at a school with a lot of tough home situations, Mondays are sometimes bad days.
I don't know if the Rent movie was a good idea. Not because I didn't love it, because I did. But, it is way out in the open now and people, people who have no connections or rights, are critiquing it, dismissing it, and discarding it. That makes me angry. So many things about Rent are real. I know. The fear vs. the hope. That's real. That's just what I feel.
I like my job. This career called teaching works for me. My coworker says that sometimes our relationships with kids can be compared to banking transactions. Sometimes we make deposits, withdrawals, overdrafts, and sometimes we get flashing messages, "insufficient funds." I think about that a lot. Today was a busy day at the bank. When you work at a school with a lot of tough home situations, Mondays are sometimes bad days.
