reedy's rambles

I finished A Million Little Pieces. I mailed it to mys sister promptly in an obvious used condition. She criticizes how hard I am on books. But I can't help it. I don't just read before I go to sleep. I read in the bathtub, in between classes, on planes, in waiting rooms, anywhere the book can travel. I never use a bookmark, I am a librarian's nightmare how I fold corners. The book I mailed to my sister was missing a sticker on its cover. It was one of those Oprah stickers. I see nothing wrong with Oprah's club, but the sticker bothered me, so I peeled it off. It left that gummy residue-- I hate gummy residue on anything.

I have been thinking a lot about church lately. What I think about it, what I want from one, what I could give to one . . . But the question that keeps coming back to me is how to get "The CHURCH" to truly be the bride of Christ. I want to be a part of a community where I am excited to bring friends to because it is an honest representation of the bride. I don't feel that way now. I am not a happy church-goer. My church baptized me, sent me to Bible college, encouraged me in Puerto Rico, but now I can't pray or speak in church because in the words of my minister, "If women stepped up, the men would step down."

It is ironic that my parents criticized the amount of time I spent at church when I was in high school, but now when they call and I am home on a Sunday morning, they seem sad. I know they are sad that I am not happy with a place where I once felt so much joy. We discussed this over sushi last week. I discussed church and what I thought it should look like with my parents who haven't stepped in a church for years.

I am not sure what to do about this or where I should go. I refuse to "give up" on church, but I wish I knew where to go from here . . .