Sunday, December 26, 2004
It has been a month since my last confession, I mean my last blog. At times, they are easy to confuse.
Confusing. This year has certainly been that. In January, I left home after Christmas break to Puerto Rico for what would be the final time as a citizen. And throughout February thr0ugh May it was non-stop chaos. Sprinkled through the chaos were moments of clarity and moments of harried confusion.
June found me back in St. Louis full of doubt and confidence. I managed to muddle my way through summer which with great retrospect, I realize was a daze. I slept more hours than I was awake most of the time, and at other times was filled with all the emotions on the spectrum.
Throughout fall, school was the place where my heart got broken and put back together with lemonheads, pronouns, and dogs described as snowballs. School is where I am most myself.
Living away (30 minutes instead of 30 seconds) from Joe has been a challenge. As crazy as he makes me sometimes, he is family to me. But together we tackled Grand and discovered that temple, Vietnamese food, and spastic antique stores can hold us here.
I have a new niece, a new job, a new apartment, a new car, new friends, new favorites, and a new outlook.
I have read more "Juvenile Fiction" books than I can count, and I can't remember the last time I tried a "grown-up" book.
Christmas was a moment of reassurance, together with my family. And then, Alberto called and shook my world, letting me know that the church in PR still wants me to reconsider taking the children's minister position. And then I feel the confusion well in my heart and spill out my eyes.
God, I was so sure. I need your direction now more than ever. My heart hurts, and you are the Great Physician. Lead me, direct me, show me your will. Remind me to submit to your will, whatever that is. The burden feels so heavy right now, which makes me doubt everything I have known. My heart cries out to you, Lord! Help this next year to be a bold year. I love you Lord!
Confusing. This year has certainly been that. In January, I left home after Christmas break to Puerto Rico for what would be the final time as a citizen. And throughout February thr0ugh May it was non-stop chaos. Sprinkled through the chaos were moments of clarity and moments of harried confusion.
June found me back in St. Louis full of doubt and confidence. I managed to muddle my way through summer which with great retrospect, I realize was a daze. I slept more hours than I was awake most of the time, and at other times was filled with all the emotions on the spectrum.
Throughout fall, school was the place where my heart got broken and put back together with lemonheads, pronouns, and dogs described as snowballs. School is where I am most myself.
Living away (30 minutes instead of 30 seconds) from Joe has been a challenge. As crazy as he makes me sometimes, he is family to me. But together we tackled Grand and discovered that temple, Vietnamese food, and spastic antique stores can hold us here.
I have a new niece, a new job, a new apartment, a new car, new friends, new favorites, and a new outlook.
I have read more "Juvenile Fiction" books than I can count, and I can't remember the last time I tried a "grown-up" book.
Christmas was a moment of reassurance, together with my family. And then, Alberto called and shook my world, letting me know that the church in PR still wants me to reconsider taking the children's minister position. And then I feel the confusion well in my heart and spill out my eyes.
God, I was so sure. I need your direction now more than ever. My heart hurts, and you are the Great Physician. Lead me, direct me, show me your will. Remind me to submit to your will, whatever that is. The burden feels so heavy right now, which makes me doubt everything I have known. My heart cries out to you, Lord! Help this next year to be a bold year. I love you Lord!
